Marriage Monday: The Invisible Backpack
It’s been over 39 years since I went down the aisle and made the vow “til death do us part”. As I think back on that day, I consider the number of unrealistic expectations I took with me down that aisle. It was almost as if I had an invisible backpack strapped to my body…and inside it held the ugly and unquestionably problematic…unrealistic expectations.
Oh, I am not even sure I was consciously taking these unrealistic expectations with me down the aisle. Nonetheless, they were there. And some of them were going to do their best to create some problems in my marriage.
Not all expectations are negative ones. But for the purpose of this post, the focus is on the unrealistic and unhealthy expectations. For me, these were expectations I had thrown into my backpack as I grew up. Expectations that my hubby would do jobs just like my Dad did them. Expectations that he would know birthdays were an important event and worthy of gift giving and celebration. Expectations that he would know when I was in need of some quality time. Expectations of him understanding my desire to pray together. The list could go on and on.
The reality is, my expectations were indeed baggage. They were baggage that needed to be addressed. There was a need for my husband and I to communicate with one another about these expectations. Because the reality was, many of our expectations didn’t fit the mold of what our marriage would like.
I needed to understand that my husband was not my Dad; his giftings are very different from my Dad and I need to accept and embrace those differences. I needed to communicate my ideas on birthdays, understanding that the ways of celebration and emphasis on such celebration in his family and mine were different. I needed to release the expectation of thinking my hubby should just “know” that I needed quality time with him; I could share with him my needs for this in a way that would benefit both of us. I couldn’t just expect that he knew I longed for him to pray with me; I again, needed to be honest and share this desire with him.
Are you holding onto unrealistic expectations for your spouse? Perhaps holding him to a standard you saw as a child in a romance movie. Maybe comparing him to your parent or grandparent. Are you evaluating your marriage based upon the marriage of your friends, or possibly, by the never-ending happy and unrealistic posts on social media?
Take time this week to check your backpack. What expectations can you release? Or what expectations can you pick out of the backpack, place on the table, and invite your spouse into your world for some meaningful conversation. Perhaps even offer a time of asking for forgiveness for holding onto expectations that should have never made it down the alter in the first place.
Have a wonderful week, and take some time to check out the marriage tips below. I would love to hear how you were able to work through some of the unrealistic expectations in your marriage. Please feel free to leave a comment or question on the form below, or connect with me on Facebook and Instagram. I also send out a monthly email that includes a devotion, schedule of my speaking, and other words of encouragement. I’d love for you to be a part of what God is doing through the email group. That link is also below. Alright, enough chit-chat. Here are the tips for the week.
Intentional Tips for Strengthening your Marriage this Week:
*Take time alone to consider whether you feel you brought a backpack down the aisle that held expectations for your spouse that shouldn’t have been placed upon him/her.
*Forgive your spouse for placing unrealistic and unhealthy expectations on you.
*Ask your spouse if s/he has felt you had unrealistic expectations for them at any point it your marriage. And if so, do they feel those expectations are still alive or have them been dealt with? Discuss their response.
*Have a conversation with your spouse regarding healthy expectations. What are some expectations you can have for one another that will strengthen your marriage? What expectations do you need to throw out of the backpack?
*Remind yourself throughout the week to release the unrealistic and unhealthy expectations, while focusing on the positive traits your spouse has brought into the marriage.
Misty Cramer is an author & speaker who recently released her first book. The Every Day God, 40 Daily Devotions for Walking with God through Everyday Moments, quickly made its way to Amazon's #1 New Release and Best Seller lists in multiple categories. In this book, she authentically shares her own story to remind us all that God has a specific plan, even in the midst of life's messes. She has been married to Todd for 39 years and has five adult sons. While they enjoy their time as "empty nesters" in rural Michigan, they also love visits from their sons, two daughters-in-law, and two granddaughters. Misty sends out a monthly devotion as part of her newsletter, and she'd love to send it along to you. The link to subscribe to the devotion, as well as the link to Misty's book can be found below:
Sign up here for the monthly devotion: https://mailchi.mp/5bc5d49af25f/2w6akp98cg
Head to this link if you’d like to purchase the book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CH258Y14
Follow Misty on Facebook to receive daily encouragement: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063109547064
Misty Cramer © 2023
Marriage Monday: I'm So Stressed!
The fatigue has built up from the long day. You’ve dealt with people for hours. You’ve needed to be nice to all those people, because after all, it is your job. You’re already stressing over the list of needs the kids have for the evening. You think…if one more thing goes wrong or one more person says something ******, it will send me over the edge.
Then, you walk in the house and see your spouse has dumped their work stuff in the middle of the living room. You notice the trash they were going to take out yesterday is still overflowing in the kitchen. Your temperature rises as you notice they forgot to put the milk away before they left this morning. If they pop out right now from wherever they may be in this house, you may say things that will take you both on a road to….oh boy, we don’t want to know.
Have you been there? Have you had those days where you are stretched to the limit on your patience, to the point that you are physically and emotionally ready to spew unkind words at your spouse? Almost as if you are armed and ready?
Unfortunately, you are not alone. The question isn’t whether the scenario happens or not (because more than likely, it happens to all of us…or for some, it has happened so frequently that it has turned into the norm). The real question is, how will we respond to the scenario?
Check out these tips below and surprise your spouse after your stressful day by pausing, praying, preparing, and using the power of your words to glorify God and build a stronger marriage for your family.
Intentional Tips for Strengthening Your Marriage this Week:
*Pause: When re-engaging with your spouse and family after you’ve had a stressful day, pause. Physically pause. Don’t go right in and face the people most important in your life when you are filled with anxiety and stress, ready to blow at any moment. Pause and take a deep breath. Sit for even a minute and gather yourself. Close your eyes. Breathe.
*Pray: Share with God the frustrations you’ve encountered in your day. Let Him know you do not wish to place these stresses upon your marriage and family. Then ask Him to calm your spirit. He is the provider of peace. Allow His gift of peace to wash over you, as He listens and answers your prayer.
*Prepare: The very definition of “prepare” is to make ready beforehand, set up, be established. Allow that to translate to your heart and mind. Anticipating that your spouse may also have had a stressful day can help in this preparation. What does it look like to be ready, set up, and established in reference to connecting with your spouse after a stressful day? Does it mean picking up something at the store and giving it to your spouse as a greeting when you walk in? Does it mean having his/her favorite mug already filled with hot coffee when they walk in the door? Perhaps it means having the kiddos ready to run up and give mommy or daddy a big hug when the door opens. Or maybe it looks having a special meal made. Don’t go to where your mind is tempting you right now, with the “I’m the one that’s had the bad day”. Yes, you have, but it is so amazing what God does to our own heart when we shift the focus from ourselves to our spouse. When we consider how we can make their day better, it honestly will also make our day better. Our attitudes shift when we walk in the door and have a little gift to give them. Our heart posture changes when we have prepared a meal that will make our spouse smile. Our angry words disintegrate as we prepare and make a conscious decision to love someone in very tangible ways.
*Power: Remember, there is power in our words. After preparing your hearts, and moving forward with life-giving actions, be sure to use words that will build up your marriage. God instructs us to build one another up with our words (1 Thes 5:11), and there is of course good reason for that. We build a stronger foundation for our marriage when we speak to our spouse with words that build rather than tear down. Instead of removing pieces of our foundation by spewing hateful words, we are able to add pieces to our foundation with loving, encouraging words. And these helpful, strong pieces will be used for other layers of the marriage to be built upon.
Misty Cramer has been married to Todd for 39 years, and together they have raised five sons. They have been in youth, family, and marriage ministry for over three decades. Misty is an author & speaker who recently released her first book. The Every Day God, 40 Daily Devotions for Walking with God through Everyday Moments, quickly made its way to Amazon's #1 New Release and Best Seller lists in multiple categories. In this book, she authentically shares her own story to remind us all that God has a specific plan, even in the midst of life's messes. She and Todd reside in rural Michigan. They enjoy mentoring couples, and speaking at marriage retreats, while Misty is also available for speaking at Ladies Retreats, MOPS, and church and community events.
Have a wonderful week. I would love to hear how you were able to work through some of the stresses in your marriage. Please feel free to leave a comment or question on the form below, or connect with me on Facebook and Instagram. I also send out a monthly email that includes a devotion, schedule of my speaking, and other words of encouragement. I’d love for you to be a part of what God is doing through the email group. That link is also below. Alright, enough chit-chat.
Misty sends out a monthly devotion as part of her newsletter, and she'd love to send it along to you. The link to subscribe to the devotion, as well as the link to Misty's book can be found below:
Sign up here for the monthly devotion: https://mailchi.mp/5bc5d49af25f/2w6akp98cg
Head to this link if you’d like to purchase the book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CH258Y14
Follow Misty on Facebook to receive daily encouragement: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063109547064
Misty Cramer © 2023
Marriage Monday: When the Yuck Spreads!
This summer I had a messy science experiment happening in the fruit bowl on my counter. I had some of those cuties in a bowl; you know, the tiny orange like fruit that are so juicy and yummy?
One day I glanced at my fruit bowl and noticed one of these little cuties had some mold on it. It wasn’t much, so I went about my day and didn’t think much of it. However, having this cutie out of my mind for a couple days was an unfortunate mistake.
Do you know what happens when a fruit with a little mold lies in a bowl with other fruit? The mold spreads. And it spreads rather quickly. It will go from one little green spot on a cutie to infecting a whole bowl of cuties. Sure, the cuties on the top of the bowl still look good. They are still bright orange. But oh, pick them up and you’re in for a surprise. The underside of them will be turning green. And the cuties underneath well they will not only be green, but may be fuzzy and even have some fruit flies on them. All because I didn’t remove that one cutie from the bowl. Darn!
What does fruit have to do with marriage, Misty? Quite a lot actually. Have you had those times in your marriage when something is bothering you and you decide it can be put on the back shelf for a while? Maybe it’s a conversation about finances. You convince yourself that you don’t want the hassle of the conversation, so you attempt to ignore it for a while. Perhaps it’s about the crazy schedule your family is keeping. You decide it’s not a good time to discuss this with your spouse, so you decide to put it on the back burner. Maybe you really need some alone time with your spouse, but it never seems like a good time to bring it up. So, you put the conversation off…one more time.
Soon, the tension from the finances are eating their way into other areas of your marriage. And your schedule issue, well it is creating tension within the entire family, as it spreads from you to other family members. How about that need you had for time alone? Well, that need doesn’t exist any longer because you are too angry at your spouse to even desire being alone with him.
The issues that began as a little green spot on your cutie have spread. They have invaded other areas of your marriage, even areas that seemed to be going well. By ignoring, putting off, and waiting until another time, you created the perfect science experiment for destroying portions of your marriage.
As I have mentioned in my other marriage blogs, Todd and I are not people who like conflict. Our temptation is definitely to not address something, and wish it would just go away on its own. However, we have learned to say no to that temptation. As much as we would like to ignore the moldy cutie, our marriage is too important to allow the mold to spread to other areas of our relationship. We have learned to address the mold (the issue) when it shows up. Are you willing to do the same? I guarantee it will be worth it.
Have a wonderful week, and take some time to check out the marriage tips below. I would love to hear how you made the decision to have those difficult conversations because you acknowledged your marriage was worth it. Please feel free to leave a comment or question on the form below, or connect with me on Facebook and Instagram. And if you found this blog helpful, please remember to “like” it. Thank you! Alright, enough chit-chat. Here are the tips for the week.
Intentional Tips for Strengthening your Marriage this Week:
*Consider the areas within your marriage where you have been putting off having a discussion
*Ask your spouse when a good time would be to have a conversation
*Ask your spouse if there are any topics in which s/he has been avoiding having conversation with you
*Listen carefully to your spouse, affirming the validity and feelings of what s/he is sharing with you.
*Ask God to give you the words and initiative you need to approach any difficult conversations within your marriage
Misty Cramer is an author & speaker who recently released her first book. The Every Day God, 40 Daily Devotions for Walking with God through Everyday Moments, quickly made its way to Amazon's #1 New Release and Best Seller lists in multiple categories. In this book, she authentically shares her own story to remind us all that God has a specific plan, even in the midst of life's messes. She has been married to Todd for 39 years and has five adult sons. While they enjoy their time as "empty nesters" in rural Michigan, they also love visits from their sons, two daughters-in-law, and two granddaughters. Misty sends out a monthly devotion as part of her newsletter, and she'd love to send it along to you. The link to subscribe to the devotion, as well as the link to Misty's book can be found below:
Sign up here for the monthly devotion: https://mailchi.mp/5bc5d49af25f/2w6akp98cg
Head to this link if you’d like to purchase the book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CH258Y14
Follow Misty on Facebook to receive daily encouragement: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063109547064
Misty Cramer © 2023
Marriage Monday: Still Processing!
A decision needs to be made. A problem needs to be solved. Feelings are shared. Maybe even with a hint of frustration. Questions about how we will find a solution are thrown out there. And then…silence. Yup, this is a scenario that has happened in our marriage and maybe in yours too.
Todd and I are both internal processors. As internal processors, we prefer to make decisions and sort through our feelings and facts in private. And, that often takes some time. I lean toward this way of processing even more than Todd. My silence doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about it. It doesn’t mean I forgot about our discussion. It doesn’t mean I didn’t find our conversation valuable. It just means I need to have time to reflect all by myself for a while. Maybe hours. Maybe even days.
Can you see how that may be frustrating to a spouse if the spouse is what’s called an external processor? An external processor wants to talk aloud. He wants to have conversation, talk through those facts and feelings with another person. Can you see how that could be frustrating for the spouse who wants to have some quiet time to consider things on her own?
As an internal processor, I need to be sure to communicate to my spouse that I have not forgotten about the important conversation; I am simply still thinking on it. And as an external processor, I need to be conscious about not overtalking; I need to provide him an opportunity to reflect quietly if that is what he needs.
Neither of these are “correct”. They are simply different. In order to respond to our spouse properly, it’s important for us to understand what type of processor our spouse is. Otherwise, their way of processing really could drive us a little nuts.
Do you prefer to wrestle with facts and feelings on your own, within the silence of your own mind, as you come up with an answer to a decision? Or, do you prefer to verbally hash out your facts and feelings with your spouse or someone else as you come up with your answer?
As we remember that neither one of these are “correct”, here are a few intentional marriage tips you can try this week to improve your communication with your spouse.
Have a wonderful week, and take some time to check out the marriage tips below. I would love to hear how you made the decision to have those difficult conversations because you acknowledged your marriage was worth it. Please feel free to leave a comment or question on the form below, or connect with me on Facebook and Instagram. And if you found this blog helpful, please remember to “like” it; it helps to get the article out to more couples. Thanks! Here are the tips for the week.
Intentional Tips for Strengthening your Marriage this Week:
*Take time to identify whether you are an internal processor an external processor
*See if your spouse will do the same
*Discuss your thoughts on this topic with your spouse
*If your spouse is an internal processor, ask him if he feels you allow him the time he needs to process his thoughts
*If your spouse is an external processor, ask him if he feels he has adequate time to discuss and work through his feelings before he makes decisions
*Decide with your spouse what the two of you could do to respect the processing needed for the other spouse
Todd and I learned about this topic during our Marriage Mentoring Training with Mark and Jill Savage. You can find more about this in their book No More Perfect Marriages, available on Amazon.
Misty Cramer is an author & speaker who recently released her first book. The Every Day God, 40 Daily Devotions for Walking with God through Everyday Moments, quickly made its way to Amazon's #1 New Release and Best Seller lists in multiple categories. In this book, she authentically shares her own story to remind us all that God has a specific plan, even in the midst of life's messes. She has been married to Todd for 39 years and has five adult sons. While they enjoy their time as "empty nesters" in rural Michigan, they also love visits from their sons, two daughters-in-law, and two granddaughters. Misty sends out a monthly devotion as part of her newsletter, and she'd love to send it along to you. The link to subscribe to the devotion, as well as the link to Misty's book can be found below:
Sign up here for the monthly devotion: https://mailchi.mp/5bc5d49af25f/2w6akp98cg
Head to this link if you’d like to purchase the book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CH258Y14
Follow Misty on Facebook to receive daily encouragement: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063109547064
Misty Cramer © 2023
Marriage Monday: Introverts, Extoverts, & Holidays
The house was filled with people for four days. The table had all its leaf’s in it. Additional tables were added to the room to make sure every person had a seat. From morning to evening there was activity. Games. Movies. Ping pong. Shopping. Conversation. Eating. The list goes on. And my husband, Todd and I loved it. We soaked in every moment. When the weekend wrapped up with a four generation Dance Party in our basement, we couldn’t help but smile. We couldn’t stop the tears of gratitude from forming in our eyes.
And then everyone left; we were exhausted. This takes us to today’s Marriage Monday topic, Introvert or Extrovert. An introvert gains energy and refuels their emotional tank through alone time. They generally prefer one on one conversations to large group ones. They often have a small group of close friends instead of a large number of friends. Todd and I are both introverts. What does this mean for us when the last hugs are given, the waves good-bye are completed, and the last vehicle pulls out of the driveway? I thought we'd give you a little glimpse into our Sunday...with the hopes it may encourage you in your marriage as we all continue with the holiday season.
Here's how our Sunday afternoon unfolded:
*We looked at each other, embraced, and gave one another a kiss.
*We shared about how wonderful the long weekend was with all who were present.
*We mutually discussed what the day would hold now that everyone had left the house.
*As introverts, we agreed to give each other space. He worked on stuff outside, did dishes, watched tv, got Christmas decorations out of the closet, and a whole lot more. I grabbed my book orders, my computer, found the kitchen counter once again, wrote this blog, cleaned off the table, and watched some Hallmark.
*We sat down and had dinner together.
*When dinner was finished, we decided to connect again in two hours to get ready for bed and enjoy a movie together to officially close out the wonderful weekend.
*Also, as we passed one another throughout the day, we smiled, shared in a kiss, or a touch on the shoulder…and then went about continuing to refuel our depleted emotional tank.
How about you? Are you introverted or extroverted? Do you fill your emotional tank with some alone time or with other people? What gives you energy?
These are important questions to ask in a marriage. Without good communication, it can get complicated when one spouse is an introvert and one is an extrovert. One person may need some alone time, while the other may desire to have friends over or keep the activity level going strong.
Even when spouses have the same, like Todd and I, there can be hurdles to jump. As two introverts, we need to be sure we are taking time for one another. Just because we can emotionally charge alone, doesn’t mean we should do that all the same time. We need to arrange times to come together, and focus on one another.
And when both spouses are extroverts, they need to also make alone time a priority. They may feel energized by being in larger groups, which could tempt them to solely do activities with others. But they also need to arrange times to come together, and focus on one another.
As with many pieces within a marriage, continuing to learn about one another is so important. There’s always something new to learn and apply to our marriages, as we work to create the very best marriage possible. Remember, neither the introvert or extrovert is correct or better than the other. They are simply different. Check out this week’s Intentional Marriage Tips below:
Intentional Tips for Strengthening your Marriage this Week:
*Identify whether you are an introvert or extrovert
*Have a conversation with your spouse about whether they are an introvert or extrovert
*Share with one another a few examples of times when you feel depleted emotionally
*Share with one another a few examples of times when you feel energized emotionally
*Ask your spouse what you could do this week to help energize them
*Discuss what could be done before, during, and after the next holiday event to help your spouse feel loved, appreciated, and energized
Have a wonderful week, and take some time to check out the marriage tips below. I would love to hear how you made the decision to have those difficult conversations because you acknowledged your marriage was worth it. Please feel free to leave a comment or question on the form below, or connect with me on Facebook and Instagram. And if you found this blog helpful, please remember to “like” it; it helps to get the article out to more couples. Thanks! Here are the tips for the week.
Misty Cramer is an author & speaker who recently released her first book. The Every Day God, 40 Daily Devotions for Walking with God through Everyday Moments, quickly made its way to Amazon's #1 New Release and Best Seller lists in multiple categories. In this book, she authentically shares her own story to remind us all that God has a specific plan, even in the midst of life's messes. She has been married to Todd for 39 years and has five adult sons. While they enjoy their time as "empty nesters" in rural Michigan, they also love visits from their sons, two daughters-in-law, and two granddaughters. Misty sends out a monthly devotion as part of her newsletter, and she'd love to send it along to you. The link to subscribe to the devotion, as well as the link to Misty's book can be found below:
Sign up here for the monthly devotion: https://mailchi.mp/5bc5d49af25f/2w6akp98cg
Head to this link if you’d like to purchase the book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CH258Y14
Follow Misty on Facebook to receive daily encouragement: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063109547064
Misty Cramer © 2023
Whether it’s coming home from a family vacation or returning home from a ministry trip, I need time and space to recoup. And Todd…well, the man just rebounds more quickly than I do. While I need time to catch up on some sleep…multiple nights worth; he gets one night of sleep and is ready to hit the regular schedule again. I need time to reorganize my brain, sort through my emotions, revisit the experience; he does that stuff quickly and bounces right back. I wish I could pull that off, but honestly, I just can't.
Before I went through our Marriage Mentoring Course, I had contributed this to a lack of physical energy on my part, thinking I just was frailer or something. Well, that wasn’t it at all. One of our assessments explained that I fall under a Medium Low Capacity and Todd falls under Medium High Capacity. It is referring to the emotional capacity each of us have, basically how quickly we get stressed when juggling a demanding schedule, as well as how long we need to recover from events.
Hurray! I am not lazy or physically frail. I’m just different from Todd. Neither one is better than the other; they’re just different. We handle our “stuff” differently and need different recovering periods.
Can you see how this might be something that could cause some issues in a marriage? If we don’t understand that we are wired differently, created differently, we could have unrealistic expectations for our spouse.
If Todd doesn’t understand that I am going to need a few days to recover and regroup from our ten-day Florida Trip with 150 students, he could get frustrated and even angry at me when I can’t push forward in the same way he does. Instead, he has learned to adjust his expectations for me. He knows it will take me a few days, and that during that time I am processing the trip, getting re-energized, and resting up so I can be more effective when I get rolling again.
On the opposite side of that, I have found myself frustrated with him because he does rebound so quickly. I have thought he was pushing himself too much, not taking the necessary breaks. When in actuality, he has gotten his rest, and just feels ready to get out and move forward more quickly than I do. And that’s ok. I need to let him do that.
We are each created differently. Let’s celebrate that fact! When we understand these differences and value them, allowing them to be assets instead of barriers in our marriage, we can be excited about making our marriages stronger.
Intentional Tips for Strengthening your Marriage this Week:
*Would you describe yourself as a High Capacity or Low Capacity? How about your spouse?
*Have you been frustrated by the differences between you and your spouse in this area of your marriage?
*How will you respond differently to your spouse after being aware of these differences?
Have a wonderful week. Please feel free to leave a comment or question on the form below, or connect with me on Facebook and Instagram. And if you found this blog helpful, please remember to “like” it. Thank you!
Misty Cramer is an author & speaker who recently released her first book. The Every Day God, 40 Daily Devotions for Walking with God through Everyday Moments, quickly made its way to Amazon's #1 New Release and Best Seller lists in multiple categories. In this book, she authentically shares her own story to remind us all that God has a specific plan, even in the midst of life's messes. She has been married to Todd for 39 years and has five adult sons. While they enjoy their time as "empty nesters" in rural Michigan, they also love visits from their sons, two daughters-in-law, and two granddaughters. Misty sends out a monthly devotion as part of her newsletter, and she'd love to send it along to you. The link to subscribe to the devotion, as well as the link to Misty's book can be found below:
Sign up here for the monthly devotion: https://mailchi.mp/5bc5d49af25f/2w6akp98cg
Head to this link if you’d like to purchase the book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CH258Y14
Follow Misty on Facebook to receive daily encouragement: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063109547064
Misty Cramer © 2023
Dating can be a time when showing the other how much we love them comes a little easier. Generally, we are working hard to show that person the best of us. We figure out what they enjoy. We long to spend time with them. We go out of our way to cater to their needs. We come up with special ways to show our love.
And often times, we find ourselves years down the road, wondering why that person isn’t loving us the way they once did. You know, life begins to happen. Schedules fill up. Kids come along. Money is hard to come by. Health issues arise. And we begin to take the other for granted. We put them on the back burner. We prioritize work and kids above our spouse. We look around and wonder what happened to that flirting. What happened to the person who used to go out of their way to make us feel loved?
I’m here to say, you don’t have to let that happen in your marriage. Come on! Put the time, creativity, and energy into your marriage! Besides your relationship with Jesus, there should be nothing else that comes above the investment you put into the person next to you bed.
I am not saying it’s always easy. In fact, you may be at a place in your marriage where the thought of investing into your spouse gives you a headache. Well, take a deep breath. Make a commitment to begin today to show them how much you love and appreciate them. Once you make it a part of your daily life, it will get easier. Your actions will become part of who you are again. And more than likely, they will be reciprocated.
As Todd and I were talking about this topic, we both came up with some actions that make us feel loved by the other.
Todd feels especially loved by me when I:
*spend time working on a home or yard project with him
*watch a Todd choice movie with him
*attend an event with him that he knows I would rather not attend
*recognize his need to be alone and/or have a break from other people
I feel especially loved by Todd when he:
*spends time playing a game with me
*brings me a treat from the store without me requesting it
*finds a movie for us to watch that I know is much higher on my “like” list that his
*takes a walk around the yard with me
*shares with someone about something he is proud of me for accomplishing
As you can see by the examples, there isn’t financial cost attributed to these actions. They are simply actions created by tuning into the needs and desires of the person. Making the other a priority.
Take some time to invest in your marriage by going over the tips below with your spouse.
Intentional Tips for Strengthening your Marriage this Week:
*Ask your spouse to list three things that make him/her feel loved by you. If they didn’t read this article, give them a couple examples from above to help them get started.
*Look over that list and write on your calendar when you will carry out those actions. (Things that get put on your calendar have a much better chance of being completed. Remember, your spouse is your priority.)
*Carry out those actions.
*Continue carrying out those actions in the weeks ahead. See if you begin to notice a difference in your spouse and in your marriage.
Do you find Marriage Monday helpful? If so, I’d love to hear from you. Message me. Comment on the blog. And give a “thumbs up” and share. Thank you!
Misty Cramer is an author & speaker who recently released her first book. The Every Day God, 40 Daily Devotions for Walking with God through Everyday Moments, quickly made its way to Amazon's #1 New Release and Best Seller lists in multiple categories. In this book, she authentically shares her own story to remind us all that God has a specific plan, even in the midst of life's messes. She has been married to Todd for 39 years and has five adult sons. While they enjoy their time as "empty nesters" in rural Michigan, they also love visits from their sons, two daughters-in-law, and three granddaughters. Misty sends out a monthly devotion as part of her newsletter, and she'd love to send it along to you. The link to subscribe to the devotion, as well as the link to Misty's book can be found below:
Sign up here for the monthly devotion: https://mailchi.mp/7844a4ba7f8b/welcome
Head to this link if you’d like to purchase the book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CH258Y14
Follow Misty on Facebook to receive daily encouragement: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063109547064
Misty Cramer © 2024
Are you a fixer or a listener? The scenario looks something like this:
Spouse A: “Honey, I just had a horrible day. You wouldn’t believe what happened at work! And then I came home to the kids having problems…” The conversation continues with Spouse A downloaded the difficulties of the day.
Obviously exhausted, they plop down on the couch and wait for reassurance and comfort from Spouse B.
Spouse B: “I think you probably should have just told so-and-so at work to mind their own business. And you know, I’ve been saying that we need to tell those kids they just can’t...”. The conversation continues with Spouse B sharing all the wonderful ideas they have that could fix the difficulties shared by Spouse A.
Todd and I have been there. Spouse A generally is simply wanting to download their frustrations and receive affirmation from Spouse B. And yet, the temptation for Spouse B is to “fix” the problems shared by Spouse A. After all, they have a problem. They shared it. They certainly must want an answer. Otherwise, why would they have shared the problem?
Can you relate to this at all within your marriage? Generally, but not all the time, Spouse A is the wife and Spouse B is the husband. Often times, the wife desires to download her day, without being told how she could fix whatever issues she may have disclosed.
Sometimes, she has actually dealt with the problem already. Other times, she is tired and doesn’t want the “fix” at that moment. And sometimes, she simply wants to unload. She desires for her spouse to listen to her, comfort her, and offer reassurance that he loves her. She wants a shoulder to cry on and an ear to hear.
However, God wired men with a desire to “fix” problems. Frequently when they hear their wife download the difficulties, their brains begin to process and they begin thinking of truly great ways to fix the problems. They want to love their wife by sharing with her the ideas of how they can help to make her situation better.
As wives, we often just think the hubby is rude. Why can’t you just hear me? Love me? And on the opposite side, the guy is not trying to be rude. He is listening. And his method of loving you is to show you the answer to your problem.
Let’s get on the same page. If you’re the spouse who needs to vent and wants the “ear”, but not the “answer”, then let your spouse know that before you download to them.
And if you’re the spouse who is on the receiving end of this download, have your spouse clarify what they would like from you in this situation. A simple, “Honey, would you like me to simply listen to you today or did you want me to think of how I can help you with this situation?”
As with most challenges in our marriages, communication is key. The receiver in this situation could have very good intentions when they offer help. And yet, if Spouse A was coming with the intention of solely wanting to download, the help is only going to raise the already tense mood. Be clear of the expectations before the conversation even begins.
Intentional Tips for Your Marriage this Week:
*Have a conversation with your spouse and ask each other:
Do you feel heard by me when you share about the challenges you encounter during the day?
How do you think I can improve on my listening?
Are there times when you feel I try to fix the problem, rather than just tune in and listen to you?
Before you download something to me, do you feel comfortable letting me know that you just want me to listen to you?
Do you understand that in the past when I have shared my suggestions that it was done out of love?
When I have ideas that could help your situation, what would be the best time and manner for me to share them with you?
I hope you have a wonderful week and that you remember to prioritize your marriage...because it matters.
Do you find Marriage Monday helpful? If so, I’d love to hear from you. Message me. Comment on the blog. And give a “thumbs up” and share. Thank you!
Misty Cramer is an author & speaker who recently released her first book. The Every Day God, 40 Daily Devotions for Walking with God through Everyday Moments, quickly made its way to Amazon's #1 New Release and Best Seller lists in multiple categories. In this book, she authentically shares her own story to remind us all that God has a specific plan, even in the midst of life's messes. She has been married to Todd for 39 years and has five adult sons. While they enjoy their time as "empty nesters" in rural Michigan, they also love visits from their sons, two daughters-in-law, and three granddaughters. Misty sends out a monthly devotion as part of her newsletter, and she'd love to send it along to you. The link to subscribe to the devotion, as well as the link to Misty's book can be found below:
Sign up here to receive reminders and links to Marriage Monday and Misty's monthly devotional newsletter: https://mailchi.mp/7844a4ba7f8b/welcome
Head to this link if you’d like to purchase the book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CH258Y14
Follow Misty on Facebook to receive daily encouragement: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063109547064
Misty Cramer © 2024
As I exited the middle school locker room, I heard the teacher holler out the words I hated most during gym class.
“Everyone line up on the sideline. We are going to pick teams for….insert kickball, dodgeball, softball, or about any other sport.”
My shy personality would shrink within my small-framed body, as I slumped, attempting to disappear from what had become my normal for this phase of my childhood. My head would hang low, as my anxiety would rise.
My classmates would run to stand on the line, eager to get started on this routine of choosing teams. I’m sure there must have been others who felt like I did, however, at the time, I felt like I was the only one dreading this moment.
Two athletic students were chosen to “Captain” the teams, and the choosing began. Joe. Sue. Mike. Mary. The names rattled off, as those chosen ran to take their spot behind the Captain. Sam. Sally. Dave. Karen. More students running to their spots. Less of us standing on the sideline. John. Cindy. Pat. Donna. And so, it continued. By the time my name was called off, the sideline was clear. Often times my name didn’t need to be said aloud; as the last one standing, I would walk out and join whatever team had the “last pick”.
Have you ever experienced a time in your life when you felt you were not seen? A time you were overlooked? A time when you weren’t one of the “chosen”?
I would imagine most of us have experienced that at some level. Perhaps it was at school, like my example. Maybe it has been within your family. You have felt unseen and unheard within the very walls of your own house. Perhaps for you it was at work. You worked hard; you put extra hours in. Only to be ignored and overlooked. Maybe you have experienced this within your friend group. You find yourself on the “outside” of the inside jokes, unsure if these people are really your friends. Maybe for you it’s within your marriage. You aren’t heard or understood, and it appears your spouse doesn’t see you.
I’m not sure of your situation, but I want you to know the truth. You are seen. You are not overlooked. You are chosen. Although I wish I could change your circumstances to make you feel that truth within the situations mentioned above, I cannot change the people around you. But what I can do, is offer you the truth to walk through those situations with your head held high.
You see, we have a God who is crazy about us. In 1 Peter 2:9-10, it says, “I am a chosen race”. In Ephesians 1, it says, “For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world.” And in Galatians 3:26 it says, “For you…(that’s you! ) Are all daughters of God through faith in Christ.”
There are so many more scriptures that share with us how important we are to God. Read those verses above again. It says you are “chosen”…that means, even when you’re standing on the sidelines alone. It says you are His “daughter/son”…even when you feel overlooked.
God knows every part of your being, and He sees you. He never overlooks you. He chose you. He loves you so much that He gave His only son to die on the cross for you. This Son, Jesus, rose from the dead three days later, giving us a chance at abundant life here on earth and eternal life with Him when our time on earth is complete.
Practical Tip: Write the TRUTH on some sticky notes and place them around your house. "I am Chosen." "I am Loved." "I am Valued." Put them on your bathroom mirror. Put them on your coffee pot. Place them on your bedside table. Don't let lies cover the TRUTH about the value you actually hold.
If you don’t have a relationship with Jesus, let me know and I will share with you how to begin one. And if you already do, lean into that. Remind yourself through the scriptures that whether you have a rough day at school, work, or in your own family, you are loved, seen, and chosen. You are never overlooked by your Heavenly Father.
©Misty Cramer 2024
Misty Cramer is a best-selling author & national speaker who recently released her first book. The Every Day God, 40 Daily Devotions for Walking with God through Everyday Moments, quickly made its way to Amazon's #1 New Release and Best Seller lists in multiple categories. In this book, she authentically shares her own story to remind us all that God has a specific plan, even in the midst of life's messes. She has been married to Todd for 39 years and has five adult sons. While they enjoy their time as "empty nesters" in rural Michigan, they also love visits from their sons, two daughters-in-law, and three granddaughters. Misty sends out a monthly devotion as part of her newsletter, and she'd love to send it along to you. The link to subscribe to the devotion, as well as the link to Misty's book can be found below:
Sign up here to receive reminders and links to Marriage Monday and Misty's monthly devotional newsletter: https://mailchi.mp/7844a4ba7f8b/welcome
Head to this link if you’d like to purchase the book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CH258Y14
Follow Misty on Facebook to receive daily encouragement: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063109547064
Misty Cramer © 2024
“If you turn left here, we will get there more quickly.”
“No, I drive this all the time, this way is quicker.”
“I just drove this yesterday, and it is quicker if you turn left.”
Voice inflections change. Eyes roll. The mood of the trip just changed.
“You never reached out to me.”
“I reached out first, last time. I was waiting for you this time.”
“What a joke! You never reach out to me first. I always have to be the one to initiate.”
Words get harsher. The sound of pain makes its way through the conversation.
“About ten years ago we went and visited Uncle Joe.”
“That was not ten years ago. It was only eight.”
“It was ten years! I remember cuz it was close to his 70th birthday.”
Argument ensues. Tension grows.
What is it about us and our great need to be “RIGHT”? Even to the point we are willing to argue about topics that add no value to our daily lives. To the point that often times, we don’t even remember the topic of the initial argument. Years ago, my husband and I went to a marriage retreat, and speaker, Tom Harmon, gave this wise advice: “Give up the RIGHT to be RIGHT.”
What? You mean when I am RIGHT, I can just let “it” go and allow the other person to be RIGHT? Yes, it is possible. And it is a valuable tool to use in a marriage, as well as in any other relationship. When we relinquish this RIGHT, we are sacrificing self by putting the other person’s needs first. Because to be honest, many (I realize there are exceptions) of the arguments we have, are not worth battling over. They are not worth damaging the relationship. They are not worth hurting the other person. They are not worth the journey down the long ugly road. They are not worth damaging any children within earshot.
Perhaps turning left was quicker, but did the argument add value to the relationship? Maybe the other person didn’t reach out last time; are we prepared to lose the relationship over who is RIGHT. And maybe it was only eight years ago since we visited Uncle Joe, but wasn’t the goal of the conversation to set up a time to go visit him again?
I’m certainly not going to say it’s easy to relinquish the RIGHT to be RIGHT. My husband will testify to the fact that I don’t find it easy; in fact, he is much better at it than I. But I will continue to remind myself that it’s not about who is RIGHT. It’s about loving and honoring the other person, and investing in the building of relationships.
Bible Verses for today's Marriage Monday
Let no corrupt talk come from your mouths, but only that which is used to build others up. Eph 4:29
So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, Matthew 7:12
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32
Sign up here to receive reminders and links to Marriage Monday and Misty's monthly devotional newsletter: https://mailchi.mp/7844a4ba7f8b/welcome I hope you have a wonderful week and that you remember to prioritize your marriage...because it matters.
Do you find Marriage Monday helpful? If so, I’d love to hear from you. Message me. Comment on the blog. And give a “thumbs up” and share. Thank you!
Misty Cramer is an author & speaker who recently released her first book. The Every Day God, 40 Daily Devotions for Walking with God through Everyday Moments, quickly made its way to Amazon's #1 New Release and Best Seller lists in multiple categories. In this book, she authentically shares her own story to remind us all that God has a specific plan, even in the midst of life's messes. She has been married to Todd for 39 years and has five adult sons. While they enjoy their time as "empty nesters" in rural Michigan, they also love visits from their sons, two daughters-in-law, and three granddaughters. Misty sends out a monthly devotion as part of her newsletter, and she'd love to send it along to you. The link to subscribe to the devotion, as well as the link to Misty's book can be found below:
Sign up here to receive reminders and links to Marriage Monday and Misty's monthly devotional newsletter: https://mailchi.mp/7844a4ba7f8b/welcome
Head to this link if you’d like to purchase the book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CH258Y14
Follow Misty on Facebook to receive daily encouragement: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063109547064
Misty Cramer © 2024