Marriage Monday: Introverts, Extoverts, & Holidays
The house was filled with people for four days. The table had all its leaf’s in it. Additional tables were added to the room to make sure every person had a seat. From morning to evening there was activity. Games. Movies. Ping pong. Shopping. Conversation. Eating. The list goes on. And my husband, Todd and I loved it. We soaked in every moment. When the weekend wrapped up with a four generation Dance Party in our basement, we couldn’t help but smile. We couldn’t stop the tears of gratitude from forming in our eyes.
And then everyone left; we were exhausted. This takes us to today’s Marriage Monday topic, Introvert or Extrovert. An introvert gains energy and refuels their emotional tank through alone time. They generally prefer one on one conversations to large group ones. They often have a small group of close friends instead of a large number of friends. Todd and I are both introverts. What does this mean for us when the last hugs are given, the waves good-bye are completed, and the last vehicle pulls out of the driveway? I thought we'd give you a little glimpse into our Sunday...with the hopes it may encourage you in your marriage as we all continue with the holiday season.
Here's how our Sunday afternoon unfolded:
*We looked at each other, embraced, and gave one another a kiss.
*We shared about how wonderful the long weekend was with all who were present.
*We mutually discussed what the day would hold now that everyone had left the house.
*As introverts, we agreed to give each other space. He worked on stuff outside, did dishes, watched tv, got Christmas decorations out of the closet, and a whole lot more. I grabbed my book orders, my computer, found the kitchen counter once again, wrote this blog, cleaned off the table, and watched some Hallmark.
*We sat down and had dinner together.
*When dinner was finished, we decided to connect again in two hours to get ready for bed and enjoy a movie together to officially close out the wonderful weekend.
*Also, as we passed one another throughout the day, we smiled, shared in a kiss, or a touch on the shoulder…and then went about continuing to refuel our depleted emotional tank.
How about you? Are you introverted or extroverted? Do you fill your emotional tank with some alone time or with other people? What gives you energy?
These are important questions to ask in a marriage. Without good communication, it can get complicated when one spouse is an introvert and one is an extrovert. One person may need some alone time, while the other may desire to have friends over or keep the activity level going strong.
Even when spouses have the same, like Todd and I, there can be hurdles to jump. As two introverts, we need to be sure we are taking time for one another. Just because we can emotionally charge alone, doesn’t mean we should do that all the same time. We need to arrange times to come together, and focus on one another.
And when both spouses are extroverts, they need to also make alone time a priority. They may feel energized by being in larger groups, which could tempt them to solely do activities with others. But they also need to arrange times to come together, and focus on one another.
As with many pieces within a marriage, continuing to learn about one another is so important. There’s always something new to learn and apply to our marriages, as we work to create the very best marriage possible. Remember, neither the introvert or extrovert is correct or better than the other. They are simply different. Check out this week’s Intentional Marriage Tips below:
Intentional Tips for Strengthening your Marriage this Week:
*Identify whether you are an introvert or extrovert
*Have a conversation with your spouse about whether they are an introvert or extrovert
*Share with one another a few examples of times when you feel depleted emotionally
*Share with one another a few examples of times when you feel energized emotionally
*Ask your spouse what you could do this week to help energize them
*Discuss what could be done before, during, and after the next holiday event to help your spouse feel loved, appreciated, and energized
Have a wonderful week, and take some time to check out the marriage tips below. I would love to hear how you made the decision to have those difficult conversations because you acknowledged your marriage was worth it. Please feel free to leave a comment or question on the form below, or connect with me on Facebook and Instagram. And if you found this blog helpful, please remember to “like” it; it helps to get the article out to more couples. Thanks! Here are the tips for the week.
Misty Cramer is an author & speaker who recently released her first book. The Every Day God, 40 Daily Devotions for Walking with God through Everyday Moments, quickly made its way to Amazon's #1 New Release and Best Seller lists in multiple categories. In this book, she authentically shares her own story to remind us all that God has a specific plan, even in the midst of life's messes. She has been married to Todd for 39 years and has five adult sons. While they enjoy their time as "empty nesters" in rural Michigan, they also love visits from their sons, two daughters-in-law, and two granddaughters. Misty sends out a monthly devotion as part of her newsletter, and she'd love to send it along to you. The link to subscribe to the devotion, as well as the link to Misty's book can be found below:
Sign up here for the monthly devotion: https://mailchi.mp/5bc5d49af25f/2w6akp98cg
Head to this link if you’d like to purchase the book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CH258Y14
Follow Misty on Facebook to receive daily encouragement: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063109547064
Misty Cramer © 2023
Whether it’s coming home from a family vacation or returning home from a ministry trip, I need time and space to recoup. And Todd…well, the man just rebounds more quickly than I do. While I need time to catch up on some sleep…multiple nights worth; he gets one night of sleep and is ready to hit the regular schedule again. I need time to reorganize my brain, sort through my emotions, revisit the experience; he does that stuff quickly and bounces right back. I wish I could pull that off, but honestly, I just can't.
Before I went through our Marriage Mentoring Course, I had contributed this to a lack of physical energy on my part, thinking I just was frailer or something. Well, that wasn’t it at all. One of our assessments explained that I fall under a Medium Low Capacity and Todd falls under Medium High Capacity. It is referring to the emotional capacity each of us have, basically how quickly we get stressed when juggling a demanding schedule, as well as how long we need to recover from events.
Hurray! I am not lazy or physically frail. I’m just different from Todd. Neither one is better than the other; they’re just different. We handle our “stuff” differently and need different recovering periods.
Can you see how this might be something that could cause some issues in a marriage? If we don’t understand that we are wired differently, created differently, we could have unrealistic expectations for our spouse.
If Todd doesn’t understand that I am going to need a few days to recover and regroup from our ten-day Florida Trip with 150 students, he could get frustrated and even angry at me when I can’t push forward in the same way he does. Instead, he has learned to adjust his expectations for me. He knows it will take me a few days, and that during that time I am processing the trip, getting re-energized, and resting up so I can be more effective when I get rolling again.
On the opposite side of that, I have found myself frustrated with him because he does rebound so quickly. I have thought he was pushing himself too much, not taking the necessary breaks. When in actuality, he has gotten his rest, and just feels ready to get out and move forward more quickly than I do. And that’s ok. I need to let him do that.
We are each created differently. Let’s celebrate that fact! When we understand these differences and value them, allowing them to be assets instead of barriers in our marriage, we can be excited about making our marriages stronger.
Intentional Tips for Strengthening your Marriage this Week:
*Would you describe yourself as a High Capacity or Low Capacity? How about your spouse?
*Have you been frustrated by the differences between you and your spouse in this area of your marriage?
*How will you respond differently to your spouse after being aware of these differences?
Have a wonderful week. Please feel free to leave a comment or question on the form below, or connect with me on Facebook and Instagram. And if you found this blog helpful, please remember to “like” it. Thank you!
Misty Cramer is an author & speaker who recently released her first book. The Every Day God, 40 Daily Devotions for Walking with God through Everyday Moments, quickly made its way to Amazon's #1 New Release and Best Seller lists in multiple categories. In this book, she authentically shares her own story to remind us all that God has a specific plan, even in the midst of life's messes. She has been married to Todd for 39 years and has five adult sons. While they enjoy their time as "empty nesters" in rural Michigan, they also love visits from their sons, two daughters-in-law, and two granddaughters. Misty sends out a monthly devotion as part of her newsletter, and she'd love to send it along to you. The link to subscribe to the devotion, as well as the link to Misty's book can be found below:
Sign up here for the monthly devotion: https://mailchi.mp/5bc5d49af25f/2w6akp98cg
Head to this link if you’d like to purchase the book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CH258Y14
Follow Misty on Facebook to receive daily encouragement: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063109547064
Misty Cramer © 2023
Dating can be a time when showing the other how much we love them comes a little easier. Generally, we are working hard to show that person the best of us. We figure out what they enjoy. We long to spend time with them. We go out of our way to cater to their needs. We come up with special ways to show our love.
And often times, we find ourselves years down the road, wondering why that person isn’t loving us the way they once did. You know, life begins to happen. Schedules fill up. Kids come along. Money is hard to come by. Health issues arise. And we begin to take the other for granted. We put them on the back burner. We prioritize work and kids above our spouse. We look around and wonder what happened to that flirting. What happened to the person who used to go out of their way to make us feel loved?
I’m here to say, you don’t have to let that happen in your marriage. Come on! Put the time, creativity, and energy into your marriage! Besides your relationship with Jesus, there should be nothing else that comes above the investment you put into the person next to you bed.
I am not saying it’s always easy. In fact, you may be at a place in your marriage where the thought of investing into your spouse gives you a headache. Well, take a deep breath. Make a commitment to begin today to show them how much you love and appreciate them. Once you make it a part of your daily life, it will get easier. Your actions will become part of who you are again. And more than likely, they will be reciprocated.
As Todd and I were talking about this topic, we both came up with some actions that make us feel loved by the other.
Todd feels especially loved by me when I:
*spend time working on a home or yard project with him
*watch a Todd choice movie with him
*attend an event with him that he knows I would rather not attend
*recognize his need to be alone and/or have a break from other people
I feel especially loved by Todd when he:
*spends time playing a game with me
*brings me a treat from the store without me requesting it
*finds a movie for us to watch that I know is much higher on my “like” list that his
*takes a walk around the yard with me
*shares with someone about something he is proud of me for accomplishing
As you can see by the examples, there isn’t financial cost attributed to these actions. They are simply actions created by tuning into the needs and desires of the person. Making the other a priority.
Take some time to invest in your marriage by going over the tips below with your spouse.
Intentional Tips for Strengthening your Marriage this Week:
*Ask your spouse to list three things that make him/her feel loved by you. If they didn’t read this article, give them a couple examples from above to help them get started.
*Look over that list and write on your calendar when you will carry out those actions. (Things that get put on your calendar have a much better chance of being completed. Remember, your spouse is your priority.)
*Carry out those actions.
*Continue carrying out those actions in the weeks ahead. See if you begin to notice a difference in your spouse and in your marriage.
Do you find Marriage Monday helpful? If so, I’d love to hear from you. Message me. Comment on the blog. And give a “thumbs up” and share. Thank you!
Misty Cramer is an author & speaker who recently released her first book. The Every Day God, 40 Daily Devotions for Walking with God through Everyday Moments, quickly made its way to Amazon's #1 New Release and Best Seller lists in multiple categories. In this book, she authentically shares her own story to remind us all that God has a specific plan, even in the midst of life's messes. She has been married to Todd for 39 years and has five adult sons. While they enjoy their time as "empty nesters" in rural Michigan, they also love visits from their sons, two daughters-in-law, and three granddaughters. Misty sends out a monthly devotion as part of her newsletter, and she'd love to send it along to you. The link to subscribe to the devotion, as well as the link to Misty's book can be found below:
Sign up here for the monthly devotion: https://mailchi.mp/7844a4ba7f8b/welcome
Head to this link if you’d like to purchase the book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CH258Y14
Follow Misty on Facebook to receive daily encouragement: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063109547064
Misty Cramer © 2024
Are you a fixer or a listener? The scenario looks something like this:
Spouse A: “Honey, I just had a horrible day. You wouldn’t believe what happened at work! And then I came home to the kids having problems…” The conversation continues with Spouse A downloaded the difficulties of the day.
Obviously exhausted, they plop down on the couch and wait for reassurance and comfort from Spouse B.
Spouse B: “I think you probably should have just told so-and-so at work to mind their own business. And you know, I’ve been saying that we need to tell those kids they just can’t...”. The conversation continues with Spouse B sharing all the wonderful ideas they have that could fix the difficulties shared by Spouse A.
Todd and I have been there. Spouse A generally is simply wanting to download their frustrations and receive affirmation from Spouse B. And yet, the temptation for Spouse B is to “fix” the problems shared by Spouse A. After all, they have a problem. They shared it. They certainly must want an answer. Otherwise, why would they have shared the problem?
Can you relate to this at all within your marriage? Generally, but not all the time, Spouse A is the wife and Spouse B is the husband. Often times, the wife desires to download her day, without being told how she could fix whatever issues she may have disclosed.
Sometimes, she has actually dealt with the problem already. Other times, she is tired and doesn’t want the “fix” at that moment. And sometimes, she simply wants to unload. She desires for her spouse to listen to her, comfort her, and offer reassurance that he loves her. She wants a shoulder to cry on and an ear to hear.
However, God wired men with a desire to “fix” problems. Frequently when they hear their wife download the difficulties, their brains begin to process and they begin thinking of truly great ways to fix the problems. They want to love their wife by sharing with her the ideas of how they can help to make her situation better.
As wives, we often just think the hubby is rude. Why can’t you just hear me? Love me? And on the opposite side, the guy is not trying to be rude. He is listening. And his method of loving you is to show you the answer to your problem.
Let’s get on the same page. If you’re the spouse who needs to vent and wants the “ear”, but not the “answer”, then let your spouse know that before you download to them.
And if you’re the spouse who is on the receiving end of this download, have your spouse clarify what they would like from you in this situation. A simple, “Honey, would you like me to simply listen to you today or did you want me to think of how I can help you with this situation?”
As with most challenges in our marriages, communication is key. The receiver in this situation could have very good intentions when they offer help. And yet, if Spouse A was coming with the intention of solely wanting to download, the help is only going to raise the already tense mood. Be clear of the expectations before the conversation even begins.
Intentional Tips for Your Marriage this Week:
*Have a conversation with your spouse and ask each other:
Do you feel heard by me when you share about the challenges you encounter during the day?
How do you think I can improve on my listening?
Are there times when you feel I try to fix the problem, rather than just tune in and listen to you?
Before you download something to me, do you feel comfortable letting me know that you just want me to listen to you?
Do you understand that in the past when I have shared my suggestions that it was done out of love?
When I have ideas that could help your situation, what would be the best time and manner for me to share them with you?
I hope you have a wonderful week and that you remember to prioritize your marriage...because it matters.
Do you find Marriage Monday helpful? If so, I’d love to hear from you. Message me. Comment on the blog. And give a “thumbs up” and share. Thank you!
Misty Cramer is an author & speaker who recently released her first book. The Every Day God, 40 Daily Devotions for Walking with God through Everyday Moments, quickly made its way to Amazon's #1 New Release and Best Seller lists in multiple categories. In this book, she authentically shares her own story to remind us all that God has a specific plan, even in the midst of life's messes. She has been married to Todd for 39 years and has five adult sons. While they enjoy their time as "empty nesters" in rural Michigan, they also love visits from their sons, two daughters-in-law, and three granddaughters. Misty sends out a monthly devotion as part of her newsletter, and she'd love to send it along to you. The link to subscribe to the devotion, as well as the link to Misty's book can be found below:
Sign up here to receive reminders and links to Marriage Monday and Misty's monthly devotional newsletter: https://mailchi.mp/7844a4ba7f8b/welcome
Head to this link if you’d like to purchase the book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CH258Y14
Follow Misty on Facebook to receive daily encouragement: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063109547064
Misty Cramer © 2024