Heading to Houston
I thought maybe this time would be different. I thought maybe I would sleep well last night. I thought maybe the anxiety I feel would be less this time around. Yet, three and a half years after my cancer diagnosis, I still feel the walls close in around me as I prepare to go to my check up.
It‘s a strange really. My mind tells me it’s just a routine appointment. My mind tells me that I have been feeling fine and showing no symptoms, therefore the anxiety should be relieved. But somehow, I still feel the walls close in around me as I prepare to go to my check up.
I fell asleep last night about midnight, ready for a good seven hours of sleep before I needed to awaken for the day. But at 3:30 am, I looked at the clock, and saw it change every hour after that until I crawled out of bed. Restlessness certainly goes hand in hand with anxiety. The “what if’s” like to creep in during those dark early morning hours. The prayers I attempt to mouth, get lost in the sleepiness. The games of distraction and confusion begin; you know...the ones that Satan likes to play in those dark early morning hours.
And yet in the midst the struggle and anxiety, I am reminded that my God is big enough to provide me a light. Even in the middle of the night, during the dark early morning hours, the light is present. His name is Jesus. He is battling for me. He is fighting the anxiety for me. He is calming the chaos for me. He is soothing the storm in my soul.
He does this in an assortment of ways. He brings comfort through the husband laying next to me, his steady breathing, the awareness that in one nudge, he would be awake to hold me.
He calms anxiety through the young man, my son, who is accompanying me on this trip to the doctor. His awareness of my fears, and the enjoyment that comes from conversation with him, slows my heart beat to its normal rhythm.
He provides security to me in knowing that when our plane lands in Houston, my brother and sister-in-law and their children, are ready to bring us into their home and treat us like royalty, providing an atmosphere that is soothing to the most tumultuous of souls.
He provides joy to me as I receive messages throughout the day from family and friends. Messages that contain the hope that comes through the prayers they continue to lift up on my behalf.
Yes, my God is big enough, He is bright enough, to provide light even in the dark moments when the walls seem to be closing in on me.
Yes, my God is big enough, He is bright enough, to provide all I need.
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