In the early years of my marriage, when life got overwhelming, my “go-to” was to withdraw. And by this, I mean withdraw emotionally and physically. I wanted to be alone, go hide in my bedroom, and if necessary, curl up into a fetal position on my bed (or floor in some cases). And then, well then, I would cry.
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see how this could lead to some problems, confusion, and frustration for my man and I. My newly married hubby wanted to offer comforting words to me; I didn’t want to listen to him. My newly married hubby wanted to hold me; I didn’t want him to touch me. My newly married hubby wanted to know what was wrong; I didn’t want to talk. The list goes on.
As we continued to grow and strengthen our relationship, things began to change. We began to communicate more clearly with one another. Walls began to crumble, as we shared our fears and hurts, our pasts, and our dreams for the future.
A beautiful thing happened through this growing process. I began to open up and let him know when I felt I was heading into one of those overwhelming spots. In fact, he began to pick up on my subtle (and even unconscious) cues that “told” him I was heading into one of those situations. I began to allow him to speak words of truth to me. He began to learn when to not speak, and when to just listen. I began to long for him to hold me; he began to ask if he could do so. I began to share what I was experiencing; and he learned when to ask, and when to give me space.
Marriage is a delicate dance, isn’t it. It’s easy to step on the toes of the one dancing closely with us. It’s easy to make mistakes in timing. Or to not trust the other with the dips in our lives.
And yet, when we are willing to put the time in to learn how to navigate that dance, it is such a beautiful thing. It doesn’t happen overnight. It takes patience. And practice. And persistence. But, it can get to the point where you are truly enjoying the dance…and actually pretty good at it too.
Now, forty years into our marriage, our dance looks so much different than it did in those early years. You will be hard pressed to find me sneaking off alone to our room gearing up to get into that fetal position. The reasons are varied. But basically, Todd can tell when I’m heading down that road, often before I am even thinking about it. He can pick up on my mood changes. The frequency of tears shed. The lack of laughter.
And I am able to share my heart with him. I trust him with every part of my being. So, when I am disappointed, fearful, or sad, I can share that with him.
The picture of me, alone in our room, on the bed in a ball is no more. Instead, the picture you will see is a woman leaning on the shoulder of her man, as he embraces her. Tears trickling down her cheek, as he asks her if she just needs space to cry or if he should offer some words of encouragement. And, the dance continues.
Practical Tips for Strengthening Your Marriage this Week
*Identify whether your “go to” is to withdraw from your pain or share your pain with your spouse.
*Ask your spouse if s/he thinks you have identified yourself correctly in regards to the above.
*Share with one another examples of why you think this about yourself and/or the other person. Remember, this is a discussion to encourage openness, not to shame the other for not opening up more quickly.
*Ask your spouse to share a specific area of his/her life in which you could help him/her to be more open.
*Ask your spouse to share with you some tips on how s/he could identify the beginning symptoms of when you are starting to withdraw.
*Pray for your spouse today. If s/he will pray with you in person, do that. If not, pray for them on your own. Below is a prayer you can use if you’d like:
Heavenly Father, I thank you for the gift you have given me in my spouse. I want to grow closer to my husband/wife. I want to connect with him/her in a more meaningful and deep way. Please give me the ears to hear and eyes to see when s/he is in pain or starting to withdraw from me. Give me the direction to proceed forward in a way that honors my spouse and you, as I walk alongside my spouse through the situation s/he is walking right now. Thank you Lord, for directing us and for strengthening our marriage even right now, as I say this prayer. In Jesus Name, Amen
Misty Cramer is an author & speaker who recently released her first book. The Every Day God, 40 Daily Devotions for Walking with God through Everyday Moments, quickly made its way to Amazon's #1 New Release and Best Seller lists in multiple categories. In this book, she authentically shares her own story to remind us all that God has a specific plan, even in the midst of life's messes. She has been married to Todd for 39 years and has five adult sons. While they enjoy their time as "empty nesters" in rural Michigan, they also love visits from their sons, two daughters-in-law, and three granddaughters. Misty sends out a monthly devotion as part of her newsletter, and she'd love to send it along to you. The link to subscribe to the devotion, as well as the link to Misty's book can be found below:
Sign up here to receive reminders and links to Marriage Monday and Misty's monthly devotional newsletter: https://mailchi.mp/7844a4ba7f8b/welcome
Head to this link if you’d like to purchase the book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CH258Y14
Follow Misty on Facebook to receive daily encouragement: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063109547064
Misty Cramer © 2024
During our Annual 4th of July Family Weekend (four generations now), we finish the weekend with a church service in our yard. My parents and Todd and I live on about 7 acres of land, which has a large pond on one side of our houses and the Bay on the other side of our houses. This makes for a beautiful setting for all of our weekend activities, including our Worship by the Bay, which we hold on Sunday morning before people pack up to head back home.
I awoke on Sunday morning feeling grateful for the family who had come and for all God did over the weekend. His presence was so evident throughout every piece of the weekend…games, conversations, bonfires, and meals. I was a good-exhausted, you might say.
Todd and I sat in our chairs that we had placed in our “church” for the morning. The breeze was blowing ever so slightly. The water in front of us had just a ripple of movement. Our son, Harrison, and one of our daughter-in-law’s, Kya, were preparing to begin the music. Another son, Micah, was ready to open the service in prayer. Todd and I held hands, as we watched others bring their chairs as they made their way to church.
The worship music began and gratitude consumed me once again. What a gift to be in this spot with four generations of family worshiping together. My heart was full. As the music came to a close, our youngest son stood and preached the Word. His message penetrated the hearts of each individual. Once again, I was overwhelmed with God’s goodness.
After the closing prayer, another of our sons, Taylor, (we have five) stood to make an announcement. “As you may know, my parents recently celebrated their 40th Wedding Anniversary. My Dad has asked if I help him surprise my mom by leading them through a renewal of their wedding vows today.”
I was in shock! I absolutely had no idea this was happening. I looked up at Todd, whose eyes were already glistening with tears, and wondered if life could get any better than this. He stood and extended his hand out to me to take me to the front, where we would renew our vows.
And, because I’m one for full disclosure, I said, “Oh my gosh! Do I have time to go to the bathroom? I have been holding it so much for the last 20 minutes and I don’t think I can wait.”
I took off running for the house (the best I could with a full bladder), as everyone laughed, and Todd and Taylor stood at the front waiting for my return.
I did return. I joined My Man at the front, as he opened with sharing from his heart about our marriage and this special plan to surprise me. And surprise me, he definitely did.
Before Taylor began, Todd shared how he secretly went to my Bible and found the notecard with the vows he had written to me 40 years ago. He wrote them at 19 years old, the morning of our wedding. His mom had laminated them for us, and I’ve kept them in my Bible since then.
He shared how he was going to rewrite some vows, but then read what he had written all those years ago, and noticed, they still hold true today. So, with tears streaming down both of our cheeks, he read the 40-year-old vows to me once again:
Today I will marry my best friend, my love, and the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Our love for each other has grown each day from the first time we said-I love you.
Our relationship also has grown. With each problem or conflict, we overcome, our relationship gains strength.
I will do my best to make you happy. I will work hard so that we can grow in our marriage and in God.
Ahead of us are good times as well as bad, but with our commitment to each other and to God we will make it through.
We are taking the biggest step in our lives-a celebration of our love and commitment to each other. I’m as happy as anyone could ever be.
Misty, I love you.
Todd was right. Those 40-year-old vows remained relevant and were the perfect words for our renewal. It was wonderful to hear them anew.
Taylor then mentioned something similar to his Dad. He said he too, was going to look for some new vows, made for a renewal, and yet, he settled back into the original vows. The traditional vows we took 40 years ago.
We repeated the vows to one another. We said “I do” again. And we once again pledged, “til death do us part”. (And then we got to kiss!)
The stark differences between that day and this one was evident to all who were in attendance at both. And yet, a couple things remained steadfast. We were surrounded by our loved ones, and we continue to feel God’s presence and see evidence of His work in and through our lives. And for that, my gratitude overflows all over again.
Misty Cramer is an author & speaker who recently released her first book. The Every Day God, 40 Daily Devotions for Walking with God through Everyday Moments, quickly made its way to Amazon's #1 New Release and Best Seller lists in multiple categories. In this book, she authentically shares her own story to remind us all that God has a specific plan, even in the midst of life's messes. She has been married to Todd for 39 years and has five adult sons. While they enjoy their time as "empty nesters" in rural Michigan, they also love visits from their sons, two daughters-in-law, and three granddaughters. Misty sends out a monthly devotion as part of her newsletter, and she'd love to send it along to you. The link to subscribe to the devotion, as well as the link to Misty's book can be found below:
Sign up here to receive reminders and links to Marriage Monday and Misty's monthly devotional newsletter: https://mailchi.mp/7844a4ba7f8b/welcome
Head to this link if you’d like to purchase the book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CH258Y14
Follow Misty on Facebook to receive daily encouragement: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063109547064
Misty Cramer © 2024
Do seasonal transitions come easy for you? They certainly don’t for me. As I wandered around my house this week, picking up little toys and hair ties, and swooshing balloons across the floor, my heart ached. They were reminders that Summer was coming to a close and Fall was soon to begin.
Our family had the most marvelous of summers. We started right out with two of our sons getting married. It was absolutely wonderful to experience those unions. Weddings also meant there were some really great family gatherings, which I love and treasure. We then we headed into our 9th Annual July 4th Family Extravaganza. That meant even more family time. We had trips up north to see family. We had our South Carolina family come to Michigan for several weeks. The opportunities for fun, conversation, and laughter seemed endless this summer.
And yet, this week, the time arrived for that phase of life to come to a close. Did I mention how much I dislike that?
The family activities wrapped up, as the last of our family, including two of our granddaughters, our daughter-in-law and our son, loaded up and pulled out of the driveway on Monday. And this grandma shed some tears. Transitions are hard, especially when they include good-byes.
Today there were no morning conversations with my son and daughter-in-law.
There was no pitter patter of our granddaughters little feet making their way down the stairs. There were no snuggles on the couch before the day was to begin.
There would be no more setting up for movie nights. Or making popcorn. Or choosing a candy to add to that popcorn. (Does anyone else add M & M’s or Skittles to their popcorn?)
The pond will remain still, without the endless swimming and paddleboard rides.
The bonfire pit won’t be as active.
The jars for catching fireflies will remain empty.
The “grandma tears” came again at 2:00 pm when I was picking up some random item they left lying on the living room. And even now, as I write this. The sadness does fade. It takes a bit, but that’s ok. Giving myself time to sit in the “loss” of summer, of noise, of family is healthy for me. And it takes me through the memories of all the wonderful things that happened this summer.
What transition are you preparing for today? Do you have a little one heading to kindergarten? Are you dropping a child off at college? Maybe you’ve had a summer break from work and you’re preparing to head back this fall. Possibly, you’ve had a different type of loss; the loss of a marriage; the physical loss of a loved one; the loss of a job.
All of those changes mandate a transition. Some are easier than others. All can be a challenge and bring an array of emotions. I want to remind you today that we serve a God who is walking with you during every transition. Deuteronomy 31:8 says, “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
The changes in your life and the transitions you are walking through at this very moment are no surprise to God. He is not caught off guard by your circumstances. He is not puzzled by your pain. He is not silenced by your sadness.
He is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18), prepared to give rest to the weary (Matthew 11:28), and provide strength (Isaiah 41:10) for each one of us.
I pray that whatever transition you are walking through right now, that you would rest in the arms of the One who has held your past and holds your future. And as for my transition, I am going to praise Him for a splendid summer, and lean into whatever fabulous fall plans He has for me. (Yes, I may shed a few more tears and I definitely will be counting down until I get to see my family again.)
Scripture and Prayers for You Today
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. John 16:22
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans15:13
The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. Psalm 145:18-19
Heavenly Father, I am going through some challenging transitions right now. It’s hard for me to let go of the past and embrace the future. I ask that you would walk before me, light the path for me, and prepare me in whatever ways needed for the road that is ahead. I love you Lord, and thank you for your goodness and grace. Amen
Misty Cramer is an author & speaker who recently released her first book. The Every Day God, 40 Daily Devotions for Walking with God through Everyday Moments, quickly made its way to Amazon's #1 New Release and Best Seller lists in multiple categories. In this book, she authentically shares her own story to remind us all that God has a specific plan, even in the midst of life's messes. She has been married to Todd for 39 years and has five adult sons. While they enjoy their time as "empty nesters" in rural Michigan, they also love visits from their sons, two daughters-in-law, and three granddaughters. Misty sends out a monthly devotion as part of her newsletter, and she'd love to send it along to you. The link to subscribe to the devotion, as well as the link to Misty's book can be found below:
Sign up here to receive reminders and links to Marriage Monday and Misty's monthly devotional newsletter: https://mailchi.mp/7844a4ba7f8b/welcome
Head to this link if you’d like to purchase the book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CH258Y14
Follow Misty on Facebook to receive daily encouragement: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063109547064
Misty Cramer © 2024