There’s a decision that needs to be made. There’s a problem that needs to be solved. We share our feelings. We look at the facts. A hint of frustration can be heard as the tone of our voices change. We throw around potential solutions to our problem. And then it happens. Silence takes over the room.
Todd and I are both internal processors. As internal processors, we prefer to make decisions and sort through our feelings in private. And, that often takes some time. I lean toward this way of processing even more than Todd. My silence doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about it. It doesn’t mean I forgot about our discussion. It doesn’t mean I didn’t find our conversation valuable. It just means I need to have time alone to reflect for a while. Maybe hours. Maybe even days.
Can you see how that may be frustrating to a spouse, especially if the spouse is what’s called an external processor? An external processor wants to talk aloud. He wants to have conversation, talk through the facts and feelings with another person. The last thing an internal processor wants to do is walk down the “verbal processing road”.
So, how do we navigate these very different needs if we are married to someone who is different from us? As an internal processor, I need to be sure to communicate to my spouse that I have not forgotten about the important conversation; I am simply still thinking on it. And as an external processor, I need to be conscious about not over-talking; I need to provide him an opportunity to reflect quietly if that is what he needs.
Neither of these are “correct”. They are simply different. In order to respond to our spouse properly, it’s important for us to understand what type of processor our spouse is. Otherwise, their way of processing really could drive us a little nuts.
Do you prefer to wrestle with facts and feelings on your own, within the silence of your own mind, as you come up with an answer to a decision? Or, do you prefer to verbally hash out your facts and feelings with your spouse or someone else as you come up with your answer?
As we remember that neither one of these are “correct”, here are a few intentional marriage tips you can try this week to improve your communication with your spouse.
Intentional Tips for Strengthening Your Marriage this Week:
*Take time to identify whether you are an internal processor an external processor.
*See if your spouse will do the same.
*Now discuss your thoughts on this topic with your spouse. Ask one another: Which type of processor do you think you are? Which type do you think I am? What are some examples we can come up with to support our responses?
*If your spouse is an internal processor, ask him if he feels you allow him the time he needs to process his thoughts.
*If your spouse is an external processor, ask him if he feels he has adequate time to discuss and work through his feelings before he makes decisions.
*Decide with your spouse what the two of you could do to respect the processing needed for the other spouse.
Misty Cramer is an author & speaker who recently released her first book. “The Every Day God”, 40 Daily Devotions for Walking with God through Everyday Moments, quickly made its way to Amazon’s #1 New Release and Best Seller lists in multiple categories. In this book, she authentically shares her own story to remind us all that God has a specific plan, even in the midst of life’s messes. She has been married to Todd for over 40 years and has five adult sons. While they enjoy their time as “empty nesters” in rural Michigan, they also love visits from their five sons, four daughters-in-law, and three granddaughters. Misty sends out a monthly devotion as part of her newsletter, and she’d love to send it along to you. The link to subscribe to the devotion, as well as the link to Misty’s book can be found below:
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Hi, I’m Misty Cramer. I am a national speaker, best-selling author, and mentor and pastor. I look forward to connecting with you, sharing a virtual cup tea, and exploring how God may be leading you into a fresh start with Him.
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